you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
