you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
