I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
