I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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