I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
