whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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