im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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