It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
