Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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