my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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