I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
