friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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