You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
