my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
