Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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