I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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