Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
