Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
