I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
