I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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