i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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