Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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