i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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