from now on my penis is your penis
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
