I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
