last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
