my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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