I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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