the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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