the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
