you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
