I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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