It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
