Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
