this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
