the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
