I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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