I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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