you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
