just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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