if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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