That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
