My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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