I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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