did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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