It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
