dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
