$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
well, you know. whores of a feather.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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