cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
