when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Found the puke drawer
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
