The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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