I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
