First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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